Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years - The Hardest Holiday

I've never looked forward to New Years.... It's not because remembering everything I haven't done during the past year is depressing (hell, at my age I tend to forget if I've done it or not so I ussually give myself the benefit of the doubt), or because I've become a permanently designated, designated driver (gave up drinking after the stroke).. No, it's because of the resolution thing... The entire holiday seems to revolve around coming up with some kind of unfortunate habit or characteristic quirk (of the annoying variety) that one resolves to quit, in one fell swoop. And therein lies the problem for me. The bain of my existence is the fact that I have absolutely no flaws, faults or otherwise inconvenient affectations of any sort. Obviously, coming up with something to quit (or start for that matter) is a task of monumental proportions for one such as I (i.e. burdened by perfection). I will recount one New Years experience I had, while confronted with exactly the quandry I have heretofor described: My wife and I were enjoying a quiet New Years in our London apartment (circa 1979) and she opted to retire somewhat prematurely (prior to the "ringing in" as it were). I was comfortably curled up in front of the fire, taxing what little brain I had left and came up with a genuine epiphany!! Being bereft of bad habits should not be cause to stop me from enjoying this wonderful New Years tradition, shared by those less fortunate than I!! I therefore vowed to start a bad habit shortly before midnight, thus providing the appropiate fodder for my resolution. As I had an old cigar (present from a stag a number of years before) I stuck my head dangersouly close to the fire (I vowed to stop doing that as well) and lit that lovely cigar. I happily puffed away on it for the next 10 minutes until the clock chimed in the New Year. After promptly snuffing it out and formally quitting the habit, I crawled into bed with my wife, who'd been lost to the world for some time now. As I began to drift off, she poked me and whispered in my ear (no, it wasn't a request to welcome in the New Year in some possibly novel fashion with unconventional toys.....) it was that she wondered if I had put out the fire properly because it was smelling kind of smokey... I dutifully rose and checked the living room fireplace (not able to remember if I'd put it out or not) and found all was well. I suppose in my sleepy stupour (alcohol may have played a minor role) I checked that fireplace a number of times before exclaiming (much as Homer Simpson does) "DOH", I think you're smelling the cigar I vowed to quit smoking this year honey..... (before drifting off, I silently vowed to start less aromatic bad habits from then on........)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Future's out to Pasture.....

All we've got is the past......the future hasn't happened yet and the present's already gone... (maybe check under the Xmas tree just in case.....)

Friday, December 17, 2010


In the interest of longevity, I've given up living....